Divorce

I’m Sorry and I Love You.

If someone told me that I’d be wrapping up 2018 with writing “100 Thank Yous” to my ex, I’d laugh and in a snarky way tell them that’s not going to happen. EVER. No, I mean like ever.

“You mean after he did …” as I’d go on a rampage of all the horrible ways I’ve felt wronged by him.

But here I am, silently writing him letters in my mind, recalling all the things I never said, remembering all the little and big gifts he gave me along the way …

“How does it feel to be the prettiest girl in the room?” … He would lean over and whisper in my ear as we’d walk into a party.

“Gelie, we do the best we can with the knowledge we have at the time. That was the decision you made with the knowledge you had. Stop beating yourself up. ”

“You’re not like them, don’t compare yourself. You’re creating something from nothing and trailblazing.”

Thank you.

Thank you for being the voice of reason and saying the right things at the right time … Just when I needed to hear them and be reminded of who I am.

Thank you for being my best friend all those years. It was a long time ago, but I haven’t forgotten.

Thank you for always pushing me forward, off ledges and showing me just how strong I really am and that I can fly.

Thank you for being the amazing dad I always knew you would be. While I don’t get to see you two interact, I can feel the bond when she talks about daddy.

I want her to know that the life we had together was real. I want her to know she was born out of a beautiful relationship. She deserves that …

Thank you for your brilliant mind and using it to support my dreams.

Thank you for being my teacher in the lesson of forgiveness that I didn’t think was humanly possible.

As cliche as it is, at the end of the day … our mistakes are human. There must be darkness in order to appreciate the light. We’ve had both.

When our bodies return to the ground and our souls meet in the cosmos … I will tell you that you did everything exactly as you were supposed to.

There was pain, it was messy, and there was beauty and there was love … and the most amazing creation.

In reality, everything went exactly to plan …

Years ago, I said to you … “I forgive you for all the things you’ve done and all the things you haven’t yet done. I will always forgive you.”

This has rung in my head so many times because I wasn’t living up to it. Forgiveness wasn’t coming easy this time. I couldn’t see past all the hurt.

In fact, I didn’t want to forgive. I held on to the rage as a shield to protect myself from you.

So my biggest lesson of 2018 was a level of forgiveness that I truly didn’t think was possible.

It’s been a journey, I did a lot of spiritual work and had a lot of spiritual help. The road was rough with twits, turns, drops and thorns. But the most important thing is that I wanted to get here. For me, for you, for Aris and family.

The future is lighter and brighter when shined on with love.

And I’m sorry.

I’m sorry for having expectations.

I’m sorry for unintentionally crossing boundaries that I didn’t consciously understand.

I’m sorry for not having enough capacity to process things as they were happening.

Without any attachments or expectations… I just want to say I’m sorry and I love you.

3 comments

  1. Hey there Gelie, you have a beautiful post here. I particularly like that you are talking about forgiveness, and the good sides of a person that you are no longer dating. There is maturity in that, and a lot of healing can come from that. You have loved, but you have not yet lost. God still has a plan for you. First and foremost, God is our most ultimate lover, he loved us even before we were born. God really does love us, and he would do a lot for us. He who gave the life of his precious son for us, he can do anything for us. God is our first love, and he should remain as that, but God knows that we also need human love, and God has the power to lead us to the right person for us. Prayers are key. Pray to God and put effort into finding love again, and God would bless your efforts with success. If you also decide that you are not into love and do not want to explore love again, you should know that God is there for you, and he listens to you. Pray to him, draw near to him, and make him a friend. It all begins here sister, a relationship with the Lord begins with faith in the Lord, prayers to God, an obedience to the Bible, and a passion for Christ. God is ready, the question is, are you?

    God says in Isaiah 41:10
    “Don’t be afraid, for I am with you.
    Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God.
    I will strengthen you and help you.
    I will hold you up with my victorious right hand”.

    God says in Jeremiah 29:11
    “For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope”.

    The Bible say in Philippians 4:6
    “Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done”.

    The Bible says in Matthew 7: 7-8
    “Keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for. Keep on seeking, and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened to you. 8 For everyone who asks, receives. Everyone who seeks, finds. And to everyone who knocks, the door will be opened”.

    If you do not yet have a relationship with the Lord, I would strongly suggest that you begin one. There are a lot of blessings that comes from knowing the Lord, and being in fellowship with him. If you already have a relationship with the Lord, that is good, keep believing and working to deepen your relationship with him, and I am sure that he would come through for you somehow.

    If you want to know about God in more detail, you can find further information here https://christcenteredruminations.wordpress.com/2018/10/23/a-few-things-that-i-have-learned-about-god/ And Here https://christcenteredruminations.wordpress.com/2018/08/29/how-to-build-a-relationship-with-god/

    May God’s blessings be with you, Amen. ❤ ❤

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: