I’m Sorry and I Love You.

If someone told me that I’d be wrapping up 2018 with writing “100 Thank Yous” to my ex, I’d laugh and in a snarky way tell them that’s not going to happen. EVER. No, I mean like ever.

“You mean after he did …” as I’d go on a rampage of all the horrible ways I’ve felt wronged by him.

But here I am, silently writing him letters in my mind, recalling all the things I never said, remembering all the little and big gifts he gave me along the way …

“How does it feel to be the prettiest girl in the room?” … He would lean over and whisper in my ear as we’d walk into a party.

“Gelie, we do the best we can with the knowledge we have at the time. That was the decision you made with the knowledge you had. Stop beating yourself up. ”

“You’re not like them, don’t compare yourself. You’re creating something from nothing and trailblazing.”

Thank you.

Thank you for being the voice of reason and saying the right things at the right time … Just when I needed to hear them and be reminded of who I am.

Thank you for being my best friend all those years. It was a long time ago, but I haven’t forgotten.

Thank you for always pushing me forward, off ledges and showing me just how strong I really am and that I can fly.

Thank you for being the amazing dad I always knew you would be. While I don’t get to see you two interact, I can feel the bond when she talks about daddy.

I want her to know that the life we had together was real. I want her to know she was born out of a beautiful relationship. She deserves that …

Thank you for your brilliant mind and using it to support my dreams.

Thank you for being my teacher in the lesson of forgiveness that I didn’t think was humanly possible.

As cliche as it is, at the end of the day … our mistakes are human. There must be darkness in order to appreciate the light. We’ve had both.

When our bodies return to the ground and our souls meet in the cosmos … I will tell you that you did everything exactly as you were supposed to.

There was pain, it was messy, and there was beauty and there was love … and the most amazing creation.

In reality, everything went exactly to plan …

Years ago, I said to you … “I forgive you for all the things you’ve done and all the things you haven’t yet done. I will always forgive you.”

This has rung in my head so many times because I wasn’t living up to it. Forgiveness wasn’t coming easy this time. I couldn’t see past all the hurt.

In fact, I didn’t want to forgive. I held on to the rage as a shield to protect myself from you.

So my biggest lesson of 2018 was a level of forgiveness that I truly didn’t think was possible.

It’s been a journey, I did a lot of spiritual work and had a lot of spiritual help. The road was rough with twits, turns, drops and thorns. But the most important thing is that I wanted to get here. For me, for you, for Aris and family.

The future is lighter and brighter when shined on with love.

And I’m sorry.

I’m sorry for having expectations.

I’m sorry for unintentionally crossing boundaries that I didn’t consciously understand.

I’m sorry for not having enough capacity to process things as they were happening.

Without any attachments or expectations… I just want to say I’m sorry and I love you.