Divorce. A painfully ugly word that carries a negative social stigma, a slew of roller-coaster emotions and is a seemingly never-ending tunnel of damage. Did I capture that properly?
Because I speak from experience and choose to openly share … one of the main questions I get asked is “does it get better?” Is there a light at the end of the tunnel?
So from experience … The answer is YES.
Take a deep breath – there is hope! Hang in there …
Not only does life get better, but it has the potential to be amazing. And the good news is … that you’re in control of that.
So you ready for the secret?
You have to do the work.
You have to make the right choices.
You have to be brave.
You have to be courageous.
You have to stand up for yourself.
You have to do things you’ve never done before.
You have to LOVE yourself.
You have to do what’s best for you so you can truly heal.
… Can’t heal if you keep putting other priorities in front of yours at a moment like this (this includes other people).
And you have to let TIME do its thing. Things truly do get better with time.
Going through it sucks, and if you’re in that sucky place, here are the few “wisdom bits” I picked up going through my healing journey:
1) Control. You can only focus on the things that are in your control. You can’t control anyone else’s actions or the awful things they choose to sling at you; so keep your focus on what YOU do. Obvious, but not always so easy to do when you’re taking emotional jabs. Breathe before responding to an asinine text or email. UNLESS you consciously choose to respond in a moment of rage to get your point across … I’ll give you one or two freebies on that one 😉 … just keepin’ it real.
2) Boundaries. Boundaries. Boundaries. This one also seems obvious, but here is the non-obvious one that I had to learn. Me, being the intuitive that I am, I connect to people’s souls. And going through the “uncoupling” of this soul connection, I had a difficult time recognizing this boundary. Meaning … I’m not responsible for his soul, life path, the lessons he’s here to learn, nor is it my business. In retrospect, it seems like such a “duh” … but again, going through that initial uncoupling, not everything is so crystal clear. So, boundaries. Be conscious of that soul connection and disconnect when necessary.
Additional thoughts in regards to boundaries:
- Get off their social media feeds. Either unfollow, un-friend or even block them. YOU DON’T NEED TO SEE them being disrespectful to you.
- They will be healing differently and in their attempt to mentally block you, they will disregard many of the things that should be sacred between two people that shared a life together (no matter how things ended). See my blog titled “Holy shit, I just found out I’m officially divorced.” – spoiler alert, it was via FB.
- You’ll be shocked at the blatant disrespect to you as a human being. Don’t be. It’s happened to the best of us.
3) Everyone wants to know about dating. Me, personally, I’m not a dater. I had a post-marriage relationship, ended that … then toyed with dating mainly to experience the process, but that was all part of my “back to Gelie healing journey.” I will say, there is something special about having a connection with someone who truly gets you. But that’s different than dating. So did I have a super special connection with a guy that played a role in burning off any baggage remnants of my exes and bumping me to the next level? Yes, I did. It was a short, but intense and beautiful moment, that helped stabilize me. I don’t think there is a right or wrong here … you just need to do what feels right … but don’t get discouraged if you’re not connecting with anyone. Maybe you’re not meant to just yet …
4) You’ll probably need to find a new tribe that GETS what you’re going through. One of the most surprising things that happened was how selflessly other women that have gone through what I was going through reached out to me and gave me so much wisdom. They were near strangers, but at that moment in life, they GOT me. Women would send me meaningful FB messages, come up to me at networking events to share their stories and few actually came over and just sat with me at my house (obvi I invited them, lol). And not to discount the few men that sent me messages of their stories as well. But either way, I ended up with a whole new set of connections and friends as I was going through divorce hell – and that was honestly completely unexpected.
So if you’re not a public oversharer like me 🙂 I would encourage you to seek out individuals that are going through what you are. Yes, look into divorce support groups – they exist and you will find someone to vent with.
5) “Divorce sucks, I’d rather put up with the bullshit than go through that.” Gah! This one makes me sick!! After everything I’ve gone through, I would do it 100 times over to have my freedom, my soul and myself back. My daughter deserves to have a highly functioning happy mother who is not a drone, but full of love and desire to LIVE a full life, daily! And your children, as well as YOU, deserve the same. Not to mention, your spouse is probably also miserable if you’re in an unhealthy situation.
6) The Kids. It’s always so much more challenging when their little hearts and souls are involved. Every situation is unique … so again … the best advice I can give you is to stabilize yourself so that you can absorb whatever impact you might have to absorb and mediate for the kids, and yourself. I’m definitely not an expert on this topic and I’m still navigating through this particular challenge myself, so that’s why the best I can offer is get yourself on solid ground. In a perfect world, both biological parents should be on the same team, have enough respect for each other to communicate properly and not allow others to interfere with this process. However, none of us live in a perfect world.
So to wrap it up … you’re going to be fine. I know it hurts, but life has SO MUCH more in store for you!
You’re in this situation because there is some lesson or something karmic happening that needs to be played out … so let it.
Go with it and do the best you can, because any day that you wake up and get out of bed, you’ve done well. And even if you chose to wake up and stay in bed … that’s OK too.
One day at a time. There is no rush.
Do things you’re proud of. Even if they’re super small, like getting out of your pajamas 🙂
I make a list of all the things that I did during the day that I’m proud of.
If you feel “society” is telling you to move on, tell society to fuck off. You’re on your own time schedule with this.
There will be a day, there will be a moment when this will be behind you and you will smile with joy.
Light, love and peace,
p.s. Adding an additional thought on 2/24/2018:
I think real strength comes from knowing when to leave. It’s much easier to stick with the life you know and put up with crap. There are a million reasons to stay, but you just need to acknowledge the one reason why it’s time to go: you’re no longer fulfilled with the relationship. And that’s all you need to know. The rest will work itself out.