I remember as I first started telling people outside of my inner-circle about my divorce, their first words of advice were to always put our daughter first.
One friend said to me “don’t ever exchange her in the middle, one of you should always pick her up from the other person’s house.” He explained that it’s not positive for the child’s psyche to be shuffled between two cars in a parking lot.
Another friend told me that after his ex-wife got remarried, he eventually chose to build a relationship with the new guy and even told me that it was easier to communicate with him than his ex-wife about their children.
Overall, everyone told me we will not stay friends.
“That’s just not how it works out, Gelie … you will see.”
Could that be possible, I thought? This is someone I spent 17-years of my life with and gave it my all to make it work. I care about this person. DEEPLY. Surely, we were going to beat those odds because we are different.
At that moment in time, I honestly couldn’t wrap my mind around it.
After hearing that, I cried for days. Even as we were separating, I just never imagined that our story could get ugly.
… Divorce sucks.
Call me naive. Call me whatever … but fuck, I never saw it unfolding the way it has.
Innately, I have faith in people. Innately, I always hope for the best …
… So where did it all go wrong?
Here is the deal. I don’t want this blog, or this post, to reflect poorly on my ex. He most certainly is entitled to his life, his opinions, his choices, etc.
He loves our daughter and he believes he puts her first. I truly, wish him the best.
I wanted to preface that because my posts are my opinions and while I’m sharing my story, his side is not represented and I’m sure he’s just as irritated with me as I am with him. I’m not claiming to be perfect or to have it all figured out.
Many of you have reached out to me and said that I make it look so easy.
… It’s not.
I clearly can’t share everything. Just know that it hasn’t been easy and it’s only just started …
I don’t understand how someone that I used to be so ONE with is now so OPPOSITE of me.
I imagine there is some progression when ending this type of a deeply-rooted relationship and I’m just moving along the spectrum.
… My friends were right. We really aren’t all that different and we sure aren’t going to beat any odds.
Reality check finally sinking in. Sometimes I’m slow … or maybe too much of an optimist.
… And to clarify, I’m not looking to be friends with my ex. We stopped being friends long before I actually left him.
What I’m referencing at this point is the lack of respect (I feel) towards me as someone that was by his side for an entire lifetime. Lack of respect for me as the mother of his child. Lack of respect for me in general …
That shit fucking stings.
… We have a child together. I can’t just walk away from our interactions.
I found myself wondering what I did to deserve that kind of treatment … but quickly realized; nothing.
There is nothing I can do about the way others choose to treat me. All I can do is focus on the things that I can control.
… And guys, the way to get through it is to not sweat the small stuff.
Ignore the jabs as best as you can.
So much easier said than done … and I’ve certainly fallen “victim” to my emotions, but the only thing I can do is get up and have another go at it.
During my phases of moving through this post-divorce relationship, I found myself purposefully choosing to interact in a “non-Gelie” way on a number of occasions because I wanted to break the cycle of our dynamic.
When you’re in a relationship with someone, you have a certain dynamic between you. During our interactions, I kept finding myself in the same dynamic that we were in when married and I knew I had to end it.
I’m sure there is all sorts of information on this and how to do it right. I’m honestly not sure I chose the best option (but maybe I did??) … I’m just sharing my story, which is most certainly not perfect.
Recently, a friend texted me to tell me that she has invited my ex, his new wife and me to her baby shower – because we all seem to be friends.
Haha! We have you all fooled 🙂
The times you have seen us all together is because we’re there for our daughter for some occasion. We don’t all hang out as one big happy family … sorry to burst your bubble 😉
So where does this leave us?
As of right now, my ex has moved 33 miles away from me and we are working on figuring out where our daughter will be going to school next year.
So, yeah … it’s not easy. In fact, it sucks quite a bit.
We have exchanged our daughter in the middle a few times (although we do it in a park where she gets to play before/after the exchange), my daughter does have a step-mother that I’m in fairly regular communication with and we (the ex and me) are definitely 100% not any kind of friends.
I’m not sure how things will unfold from here, but it’s part of my journey and I’m documenting it all as part of my life pivot.
p.s. Hit the “follow” button to be notified of my story as I live it and share it.